Before His favorite nation goes to hell in a handbasket, God bets the Devil He can save it by turning today’s presidents into His patriarchs. Weaving together modern and Biblical events and historic quotes in nine action-packed chapters, this religious-political satire ramps up the gospel’s greatest hits, climaxing with the Second Coming of Obama.The Almighty recreates Adam as George “Poppy” Bush. The First Man eats the White House garden Tree of Knowledge fruit, instead of broccoli. Seeing his “thousand points of light,” he breaks the Grand Old Philistine commandments, raises taxes and is driven from paradise. George Jr. reclaims the family throne by raising Cain: he slays his GOP brother (John the McCainaanite), the PowerPoint Jesus (Al Gore) then the Butcher of Baghdad (Saddam). Disguised as a dove, God gives W the mark of Cain while he’s birdhunting with Cheney at his Texas Prairie Chapel. Wasted on martinis, Dick wings God. The Lord unleashes Katrina. Noah Al, Tipper, and the Washington zoo weather it in his Bio-Solar One. The Moral Majority blames the Flood on Beelzebubba Bill and Bathsheba (Monica Lewinsky) and the sanctimonious kvetcher, Jimmy Job; Move On blames it on the Gipper’s arms-for-hostages deal, his voodoo economics, and Queen Nancy’s L.A. astrologer.When FEMA botches the Flood clean-up, God sends down His adopted son. The Hawaiian brother from Kenya tells GOP birthers: “I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here to save the Planet Earth. Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.'” The GOP fights to make the One a one term-messiah, denying him a second coming in Obamageddon. Against the Magic Negro they pit Mitt the Mormon with his magic underpants from the angel Moroni. At the Reagan Library, Mitt raises the deified president with jellybeans, and gets tips on how to purge the 47%. Meantime, Obama consults with the ghost of Abraham in the Lincoln bedroom, then raises JFK in Arlington for advice on how to win a debate.The Sanhedrin Supremes condemn the Magic Negro for resurrection without AMA approval, imposing universal health care, etc. T’Partiers nail the Aloof One to his $16 trillion deficit cross. The gale winds of Sandy, God’s final Flood, blow Obama off the cross to the Jersey shore and into the arms of Christ Christie. The governor praises him as “the Comforter-in-Chief,” clinching the election for him. The smitten Mitt jacks Virgin Airlines’ rocketship, Eve, and self-deports to his all Red Planet. Mars. Standing before Curiosity’s live-feed cameras to Earth, he inaugurates himself President of Mars. God and the Devil now make a tie-breaker, sudden-death bet on the Holy Land. A Burning Bush in New Canaan commands ex-senator Holy Joe Liebermann to lead a new Exodus. Jacking the Blue Angels, Joe airdrops Ambien on Israel, loads U.S. carriers with 7,956,000 unconscious Jews and sails to L.A. Fleeing Hollywood fire and brimstone, the lost tribe takes Mt. Carmel Highway to the look-alike Promised Land: Nevada. The Israelites turn the Mohave and Joshua Tree into an oasis of kibitzes and missile factories. After Joe invades the West Bank (Salt Lake) and threatens to turn Texas from the Lode Star to the Six-Star state, the Utah Mormon ULO and Texas Baptist TLO throw rocks into Tel Aviva. The Jews and Gentiles face-off for God’s country: Dreamworks David (Geffen) vs. Goliath (Arnold Schwarzenegger). The pay-per-view bout climaxes when gay executive circumcises the Terminator, the ex-governor baptizes the music mogul, and they get married.Back in the old country, the Middle Eastern economy is tanking; without war, oil is worthless. After the tyrants (Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah) decapitate themselves, surviving Persians and Palestinians beg Bibi Netanyahu to return. Homesick, the prime minister agrees. Arriving in Jerusalem, the Israelites are embraced by the new, improved Arabs – women, children, and gays. And so it was that God won His creation back.
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